Post Rez Life

Some of you maybe wondering about my life since I was on the Rezervation with the Choctaw. 

After I left Mississippi, I traveled to Kansas City for one week with 3 college students. As you may remember I run a Campus House of Prayer and college ministry.

That week was great. Since then, we have had several bumps in the road. 

This has been a semester that has tried my determination, long suffering, sticktoitiveness, and frankly my love. When you go through a season of suffering, you are being refined. 

All the dross of life comes to the surface and you see the darkness of your heart.

I am broken in ways I haven't experienced in a long time. 

I know God is good, faithful and works all things out for His glory and my good.

I have to remind myself of that every three seconds. 

I am sure it may seem like I am a pessimist after having a difficult summer and now a difficult fall. 

I am sparing you the details and trying to press on know that my joy is set before me. 

I hope to have better news soon.

Winding down

Most of life is about managing expectations. We expect that when we do xyz we will get abc results. When going into new circumstances, it's hard not to dream of what may be, but invariably somewhere those dreams become expectations. Will Reagan has a song that says, "I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open." That's really hard to do. 

I came into this internship with a laundry list of expectations and a "honey-do list" of ways I could appropriately, efficiently, and self-assuredly know that I was in fact serving God this summer. I arrived at my destination but my 'baggage' didn't make the flight. I was left stranded and naked, my only choice was to let God clothe me appropriately for this adventure. I am pretty self righteous and think I know what's best on most any given day. Even just yesterday as I was talking with a lady, I realized that some of the stuff I have done here, might just be more spectacular and long reaching than what I had thought. I'll be honest, there is a part of me that wants to be dismissive of my time in Mississippi. I didn't feel fireworks. No one got saved, healed, or anything like that. Maybe I am a spiritual adrenaline junkie. Or maybe my vision is wrong. Maybe my time here has been incredibly significant and I won't know that answer until the side. Or maybe, God is giving me an invitation to see things differently. To be grateful in the midst of the mundane. If you haven't read 1000 gifts by Ann Voskamp, go purchase it right now! So here's a quick list of things I am grateful for/have learned this summer:

1. I have seen a people who are a lot like me. They have been hurt a bunch, are slow to open their hearts, but incredibly beautiful nonetheless. 

2. I have seen the persistence and determination of God in my own life, as he has encouraged me to dawn my own badger hat and persevere. 

3. They that wait on The Lord will renew their strength. They that wait on the Lords timing and opportunities will be very pleased.

4. His burden is easy. I often carry someone else's burden. It's not so easy.

5. Relationships don't work in isolation. Interdependence is vital to healthy relationships. 

6. Someone has to be the first to go low, to be vulnerable and dependent in order to create interdependence. 

7. What is good for the soul is not necessarily good for the body. Keeping both happy is hard work. 

8. Sometimes being obedient to the spirits prompting, even if you think it's 'not that big of a deal' is really a big deal. 

9. If my summer was summed up by "I was obedient that one day you asked me to do something", and her life is different forever, then it was worth it. 

10. If by Gods design, a woman taught a man about some random truth theologically, and that impacted the way a whole culture knows Jesus and His Kingdom, then that wins twice.

I have one week left here. I don't have any idea what it will look like. I really have no proof that I have done anything significant for the Choctaw people. Only Jesus knows that. He is ultimately who matters. Him and his imago Dei, the Choctaw. 

Embracing tension

This world is rarely one sided. There are topics that people are dogmatic about that drive people into polemic stances. It's just rarely that simple. We live in the middle, in the tension between what IS and what is yet to come. This is not only true in terms of eschatology but also practically speaking, the end of this internship. 

All the interns just took a Strength Finders test, which was very informative about how God made us and what our strengths are. Samantha, who is gifted with futuristic thinking is feeling this struggle and reminded us all to "remain present." I certainly feel it. I feel as though I have turned a corner and am feeling more at home in Mississippi. Before I know it, this place that I have settled into as home, will be left behind and my only hope and prayer is that God will take my meager offerings of fish and (fry) bread and multiply it.

I thought I would give you a quick snapshot, however of what is awaiting me down the road. 

On Aug. 1, God has seen fit to reunite the interns for one last event in Orlando, FL for a few days. I am very grateful! Then I return to MS for 4 days and fly back to good ole Lubbock, Tx on Aug. 9th. I am home for 24 hours, and then I hop in a minivan with several college students and drive to Kansas City for a week long training at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City. The training is called Circuit Riders. It's goal is to ignite the hearts of college students in America so that revival would happen in America again, so that many would go to the nations in the culmination of the original Student Volunteer movement. Once that training is finished, we return to Lubbock where I am a full time student studying Anthropology and a full time Intercessory missionary/college pastor. I run a campus ministry called Tech 24-7. We operate/facilitate a Campus House of Prayer and have a weekly service called Ekballo, where we train modern day revivalists to be sent out to their college campuses or the nations or the grocery stores and reap the harvest because Jesus is worthy to receive the reward of His suffering. 

It is hard to do both. Managing time is a daily chore especially when class is not interesting. I love the students God has given me to work with. I think about them daily and pray for them. I believe God is going to do big things in their lives. I believe He is preparing the way, going before them to prepare them for good works. 

I believe that the strengths God gave me, which according to the Strength Finders test are: Restorative, Relator, Ideation, Individualization and Communicator, are perfect for college ministry. Restoration=revival. Rebuilding walls that have been torn down. In our city, on our campus and in our hearts. Realtor=loving people deeply. My students call me mama Jill. Even the other interns have started to call me it. Isaiah 54 is my promise. Ideation=thinking new ways of exploring faith. Relationships are not static, they are dynamic. So it is with our relationships with God. Individualization=seeing destiny in the lives of each student. Communicator=telling people all of the above. :)

So that's a glimpse of what is coming up in 5-6 weeks. This week, we have the 4th of July. Next week is the Choctaw Indian Fair. Relationships are being formed. God is working. I threw a birthday party for our office manager. I gave her the book Captivating. I pray that God speaks, heals and restores her so that she can walk as the captivating woman of God she is! 

Keep praying, good things are coming!

Are you lonesome tonight?

I have been thinking a lot the last couple of days about the typical roles of sender/goer in the missions movement. The Western church has simplified the missions movement or even the great commission to two simple roles: those who go and those who send (give money). I am not convinced its that simple. Frankly, I believe there are many who give money and never even let the thought cross their mind about going. But that is not what I want to write about per se. Really what is on my heart is the issue of missionary care. 

Missionaries know that their role is sacrificial. The truth of Jesus ultimate value makes that sacrifice worthwhile but it does not diminish the sacrifice. Mothers know that the promise of a baby doesn't necessarily make the discomfort for nine months and the delivery pain free. Clearly, most moms choose to do it multiple times so they see the value of the pain compared to the reward, but the pain is still there. 

Being a missionary can be incredibly lonely. Especially in the beginning, when new relationships are being established. I am lucky, I am still in North America with all it's amenities. Internet, air conditioning, indoor plumbing, etc. I can call my mom daily (and have) just to connect with a friendly face. Missionaries need people who invest in them on a weekly basis to make sure that they are doing ok. Depending on temperaments, personalities, giftings, etc there is a whole range of things that missionaries need. Strategic development, spiritual accountability, encouragement, and so much more. While all of this is desperately needed and in short supply, there is an equally true reality that sustainability for a missionary does not rest in the hands of a care team. If a missionary does not have the wherewithal to sustain themselves emotionally, spiritually, and mentally with just themselves and The Lord...burnout will come. Humans only have so much internal resource to give to a situation without being filled up again. There is a river of living water within each believer but if that river is not being drawn from it will run dry. Bill Johnson wrote a book called "Strengthen yourself in The Lord." I highly recommend it. 

Much of the last three weeks has felt like a wilderness for me. I always tell everyone, the wilderness is the best place to go, because that's where you encounter God. Hosea 2:14 says, "and now here's what I am going to do: I am going to start all over again. I am taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I will court her. (Another version says speak tenderly to her) I will give her bouquets of roses. I will turn heartbreak valley into acres of hope and she will respond to me like she did as a young girl, those days when she was fresh out of Egypt." (MSG). In Song of Songs 8:5 it says, "who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her beloved?" 

The wilderness leads you to recognize your barrenness and complete dependence on The Lord. It is a good place to go. So even though this 3 weeks has been difficult, it is also very good and I choose to be grateful for all that God is doing in my heart.

Lamenting and singing

The process of lamenting, grieving and mourning is different for each unique culture. In the Middle East they have professional mourners who are hired to mourn as a sign of respect for the dearly departed. The more tears shed=the higher level of significance in the society. That is about as 180 degrees from "white" people as you can get. We are a pretty reserved and somber bunch. We don't like getting emotional in public and even that level of vulnerability in our own homes is discouraged. Maybe this is why hypertension and depression runs rampant in our western culture, we don't ever let our emotions out. 

Yesterday, I went to the funeral of Jesse Ben, a Choctaw man who was on the board of the Choctaw Bible Translation Committee. He died of liver failure because he suffered, as many Choctaws do, with alcoholism. He had worked as a translator, his brother Leonard is currently working on translating Romans and his daughter Jazzilyn is helping with the translation process.  Jessie's role and his passing was pivotal in the CBTC community. Many people were effected by it deeply. In Choctaw tradition, they hold a 36-48 hour wake before the funeral. Churches from the area are invited to come and lead worship or sing songs during the time period. There is a fire that burns consistently outside of the home of the deceased, which is supposed to help usher the deceased into the next realm. At then end of the wake all left over food and wood is burned up so that nothing is left behind. Then a procession to the church for the funeral. Jesse's funeral was standing room only. In many ways it was like every other funeral service I have been to. The differences included the level of expressed emotion, the variety of attire (some in suits, some in thirst and shorts), and Jesse's burial attire. Jesse was dressed in traditional Choctaw clothes which consisted of a black shirt with red diamond borders, a beaded bolo tie, and a hat laying on his chest. He was surrounded by pictures of his family. 

Death is hard. As I sat through the service, I thought of the passage in 1 Corinthians 15, where Paul says that death has lost it's sting. In my experience, I have never been to a funeral where people were not fully emerged into the sting of death. Even Christian funerals have this "we know the truth is there shouldn't be a sting" yet ouch, this hurts quality to them. Paul says that when we clothe what is perishable with that which is imperishable or when we clothe the mortal with immortality, that is when we see that death is no longer victorious. And one one hand that is absolutely true. Praise God, Jesse, who I never got to meet, is alive and well right now in another dimension worshipping at the feet of His savior, finally free of his bondage to alcoholism. And yet, those that love him will mourn his passing. This is just another example of living in the both/and of the Kingdom. The Kingdom of God is full of dualities, and our job is to live in the middle of these tensions with both hands open, fully free to receive and live in both the good and bad, joyful and grievous times in life. Jesus is worthy of praise, no matter what our circumstances look like. He is God, not circumstances. 

So if you need it, I give you permission to lament. Ecclesiastes says there is a set time for everything. Take your time and lament. God is not thrown off by our achey hearts, he is not scared of our questions and tears. Every time David laments in the Psalms, he always comes back to the place of praise. So it is with the story of Job. So even in your grieving and mourning, make sure you can come back and remember who He is and His faithfulness to you in the middle of past difficult seasons. If Jesus never does another good thing for you, He is worthy of praise for all that he accomplished on the cross. Sometimes it is difficult to choose praise. Isaiah 54, tells the barren woman to praise because God is at work in her circumstances. Her praise in the place of barrenness reproduces glory in her life and she experiences new levels of bounty. We are creative when we speak. When we praise, we are speaking and creating new places for God to move. Also, scripture says that The Lord inhabits the praises of His people. So in the midst of painful circumstances, when you can open your mouth and sing, you are literally inviting The Lord of the Armies of Heaven to come and dwell with you. Psalms 23 says, you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. If you are surrounded and the world is caving in on you, then who better to eat your "last meal" with, than the Genesis 1 God? I feel like He might have a truck or two up His sleeves. 

So with all of that being said, Jesus you are "ano fihna chiya" my all in all. I praise you for who you are and al, that you have done in my life. Your faithfulness knows no ends. On behalf of the Choctaw people, and the CBTC family I declare your praises. I welcome you to abide in our midst. Prince of Peace, bring your shalom to the Choctaw people tonight. We say that your name Jesus is lifted up higher than any other name. We invite you to come and have your way on tis Reservation this summer! Jesus, let every Chattah know your greatness, your majesty, your awesome splendor. May they taste and see your goodness in a very personal way this summer. Amen!

I am joining an AA group.

Arrogant Anonymous. I think I should find if such a group exists. Much of my time in Mississippi has been a typical experience. Typical in that all of my expectations have been flipped on end. What I thought I knew to be right is wrong, etc. it's a good time but difficult. I continue week after week to come to the end of myself. I went to church on Wednesday and they talked about James 4, God gives grace to the humble. So good to know, cause I admit my weakness. 

Today I met with an almost 91 year old professor who used to do foreign missions. I left in house in tears. I feel incredibly inept. 

Twenty years ago leaving home and going to the nations didn't feel sacrificial. It felt adventurous. Today I no longer have youth, health, and zeal on my side. But I am more in love today then I was twenty years ago. That makes all the difference. He is so worth it! Oh, that they would know him and see him. Taste and see, Chattah's. (Chattah is what the Choctaw call themselves. it sounds a lot like Choctaw without the hard C in the middle.) That is my prayer. 

All I know is this song by Jason Upton is so true for me in this season.  "In your presence all fear is gone. In your presence, it's where I belong. In your presence, there is healing. Father I am waiting, i need to hear from you, to know that you are approving of what i say and do. cause nothing really satisfies like when you speak my name. so tell me that youll never leave and everything will be ok. Father i am returning to things I used to do, because somewhere on the journey I think I lost hold of the truth. Nothing really satisfies, like when you speak my name. So tell me that you'll never leave and everything will be ok."

I took a type of personality test this week for the internship. My top five strengths are restorative, Relator, ideation, individualistic and communicator. I want to grow my communication and ideation strengths through the process of storytelling. Many cultures around the world do not use written communication. So how can we effectively communicate the gospel to people like that. I really love the description about the restorative part of me. It says, "it is a wonderful feeling to identify the undermining factors, eradicate them and restore something to its true glory." I am so undone by that sentence. It is the most accurate description of my heartbeat and life's passion. My friend Ben once told me that he feels like I "mourn Eden." Oh that humanity would be restored to its true glory so that we can cast our crowns down at His feet. Oh that the bride would be made new, clean and ready. Oh for the day when we will see him face to face. Come quickly, Lord Jesus. I am homesick. This world has nothing that will satisfy me. Nothing magnifies my eternal homesickness like being terrestially home sick too. Longing is good. It is healthy to be able to sit I the longing withou giving up. Most people experience the longing and are restless and run to something else to find satisfaction. The whole idea is that in the longing, we will run to the only thing that's satisfies. In Song of Songs 1:4, the maidens say, "how right they are to adore you." The world will only see that He is worthy when they see the bride worship with abandon in the hard times. Nothing else will satisfy. Let that be my life's message. 

Fasting normalcy

Whenever I have fasted in the past, the lack of food creates a space where the rest of my life can go haywire and I realize how much I need The Lord. That's what I feel like is happening to me in Mississippi. I need Jesus! 

Nothing is as I want it to be. I have no friends to drink coffee with, no familiar haunts to hang out at, no people who know me and can hear my long rambling monologues. I am in a tiny town, with practically zero community, no transportation of my own, and rely on the kindness of the relative strangers to get my needs met. 

As for this work of "missions", I am a typical type A westerner and really prefer to be productive. My sense of self worth and satisfaction is directly related to my capacity to produce something. Other cultures don't follow the same rules, even if they are in America. Other cultures beat to a different rhythm. So I sit here at the office wanting desperately to "do" something but again I am limited in what I can accomplish by western perspectives. At this stage I am limited to building relationships with people, praying (which unfortunately doesn't come easy when I am frustrated at my surroundings), and trusting. I know that the day will come when I will have plenty to do, but today I must wait. I am waiting for appointments to be made, connections to happen, and all the resources to show up at the same place. When this happens, it will be glorious. I will get to meet the tribal Chief, Phyllis Anderson and do a series of audio recordings for children's bible story DVDs. That project will be a lot of fun. In my waiting, I have been able to have some great conversations about topics in Romans, which are hopefully very helpful to our translator Leonard. 

I am anxious. I am out of control, meaning I have no way to have influence over my surroundings or circumstances. I know logically that it will be ok, but nevertheless it is painful. There are situations here and at home that feel like they are falling apart and all I can do is trust in The Lord. Sometimes that is easier said than done. Ultimately, I am grateful for this season which feels a lot like a wine press. Get this junk out of my heart. Jesus be the prince of peace in my heart again!

A rose by any other name

This morning as I sat in the back pews of New Hope Indian Baptist Church, I thought to myself "baptists are the same no matter where you are and what language is being spoken." In some ways this morning was incredibly typical. Other than the bilingual sermon and a few minor tweaks on the order of service I could have been back at my grandmas church, Hurlwood Baptist.

It was comforting for about 3 seconds and then it just irritated the snot out of me. This is why missionaries get a bad rap. The culture has changed. This is to how Indians worship. This is how white people worship. I don't want Indians to worship like white people. I want Indians to worship stylistically as Indians, the God of all people's and nations.

But what do I know, I am just the intern. This sparked a question in my brain. Is it unfair for me to begrudge 21st century Indians for not worshipping stylistically like 18th century Indians? Modern Choctaws don't live in tepees anymore, but i don't get angry if they live in a house. Somewhat does it mean to be a 21st century Choctaw?

As I pondered this, I couldn't help but wonder if the Gospel wouldn't be more effective and transformative amongst the Choctaw if it were "culturally relevant."

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White mans guilt

I struggle with feeling very guilty for the way white people behaved centuries ago towards both the Africans and the Native Americans. I wouldn't blame them for not forgiving white people and plotting revenge. Forgiveness, is a tough subject cross culturally. And yet Jesus words on the subject are very clear. Forgive! And receive forgiveness. This morning I asked Abigail, if she had experienced much reverse racism. She said no. Then she told me of a conversation with her pastor/friend/main translator Leonard,in which he told her "we must leave the past in the past and work with who we all are today." That's when she told me that she realized, she couldn't work with the Choctaw because she felt guilty for what her ancestors may or may not have done, she couldn't work with the Choctaw because she pitied them, the only reason she can do what she does is because of Jesus. He is worthy to receive the reward of his suffering. He is good, and the Choctaw deserve to know him in his goodness. Thus I named my blog "ano fihna chiya". He is my all in all, and he is why I will work with and among the Choctaw this summer. It's all about him! Not assuaging my ancestral guilt.

In the beginning

When I applied to be a Linguistic Anthropologist intern this summer with Wycliffe Bible translators, I really had no idea what to expect. Last week, I began this journey by traveling to Waxhaw, NC to attend a "Total it Up" training that is an excellent overview of what it means to be a part of a team doing Bible translation. It was an amazing week filled with a thousand eye opening, life changing, motivating, inspiring experiences. After a very short yet really long week, I then traveled yesterday to  a tiny town outside of Jackson, MS called Carthage. I will be spending the rest of summer here and in Philadelphia, MS working with the Choctaw Bible Translation Committee.

This morning I attended New Hope Indian Baptist Church. This was my first cross cultural experience in this setting, and it has given me much to think about.

Before I delve into that, lets talk about this blog and what I hope it provides for both myself as the author and for you the reader. As the author, this will certainly have diary like qualities where I reflecting on the personal experiences I have while working with and among the Choctaw this summer. I am fully aware that this cannot be comprehensive, and is singular to my own experiences so nothing I say should be taken as "an expert opinion."  That being said, they are MY experiences, seen through my eyes and my worldview. As such they are not positive or negative, but neutral observations. More than a diary though, I hope to highlight questions about the intersection of faith and culture. How much of what you believe, experience, and proclaim is cultural and how much of it is 'the gospel truth.'

As for you, I hope that those of you that know me personally and read this to be apart of the journey of my own faith walk will be able to taste, see, smell, and feel these experiences alongside me. I hope I can adequately portray this experience so that you have your own questions with which you wrestle.  I hope the whole community grows to become more like The Son because of this experience. For those of you who do not know me personally and yet stumble upon this blog, I hope you have grace in your heart for my journey. If you have ever contemplated doing cross cultural missions, let this be a glimpse into the life of someone doing just that albeit for only two months. Maybe some demographics will help you as you read my words. I am a 37, SWF, from Texas, raised in a charismatic/non-denominational church. I am a senior Anthropology major at Texas Tech University doing a summer internship with Wycliffe Bible Translators.

As for the name of this blog, I borrowed it from a translated song called "You are my all in all." Ano fihna chiya is how you say that in Choctaw. It is appropriate because it is the answer to my first point of wrestling this morning, but I will save that for another post.